I normally don’t enjoy email forwards, but every once in a while, you get something special.

Oftentimes, I disregard the email if it reads anything like, “If you love Jesus, you will forward this to your 100 best friends, do a handstand, and rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time while whistling, ‘Amazing Grace.'”

I think I enjoyed this one particular email forward so much because I’ve experienced so much of what is mentioned.  I hope you enjoy this humorous list.

10 THINGS THAT CAN AGGRAVATE YOU AT CHURCH

  1. People who over use the tambourine. Everybody isn’t meant to beat it. When you don’t do it right it is truly aggravating and a nuisance. Keep still and sing like everybody else during the slow songs.
  2. People who fake the Spirit. Just because your friend felt the touch don’t mean you did too. If you’re running around the church and you stop out of breath after going only half way around we know you haven’t been touched. SIT DOWN!
  3. People who constantly holler something to the pastor all during the message. We don’t need a comment from you after every sentence he makes. We know he’s ‘preaching’ and we know he’s talking to you. ‘SHUT UP’ so I can hear him talk to me too.
  4. People who constantly go to the bathroom. Nobody has to use the bathroom four times a service and you’re clearly not on a date. SIT YOUR BEHIND DOWN.
  5. People who can’t control their kids!  If little Jay-Jay is running all up and down the aisle and going back and forth to the bathroom then you need to BEAT HIS TAIL.
  6. People who take ‘Come AS YOU ARE’ to a whole new level. I can understand if you going through something. Since when is it OK for men to wear hats in the church and wear their pants to their ankles?
  7. People who bring food to church. If you brought your little baby a little snack and you’re eating it and dropping crumbs everywhere that’s a problem. Take that Oreo and little Rae-kwon outside. THIS AIN’T YOUR HOUSE!
  8. People who come to special church functions and criticize. If you’re standing in a corner gossiping about how you would’ve done a better job at something and you haven’t volunteered to help with anything and haven’t showed up to any invitations to join a ministry, I’m going to have to ask you to SHUT UP!
  9. People who obviously show they don’t like you. If you don’t care for a person too much for whatever reason at least put up a decent front to look past it and act right in church. Don’t cut a fool with your evil faces and smart comments.
  10. Finally, parents that dress better than their kids. If you come in looking like a model for a fashion show and little Ashley is dragging behind you looking like she belongs on a ‘Feed the Children’ commercial you’re DEAD WRONG. Give your child a ‘Just For Me perm’, wipe your kid’s nose, comb your kid’s hair, and buy them something decent to wear. Don’t come out of the house looking like a MILLION BUCKS while your kid is looking like a FOOD STAMP.

And the Church said, “AMEN.”

Travis Agnew is a Christian, husband, father, pastor, author, blogger, and religion instructor.