Let No Children Separate

What God has joined together, let no children separate. If you’re not careful, prioritizing your children can lead to neglecting your spouse.

We must keep children in their proper place. There are dangers on every side. Some people put so much stock into their parenting that the children’s success becomes the standard of the parent’s worth. Unhealthy attachment can cause parents to attempt to live vicariously through their children. On the other hand, some adults ignore and disregard their children as nuisances to avoid. If the verbalized anticipation of parenting is to get the kids out of the house, children begin to question their value in the eyes of their parents.  

I can remember the unbridled joy when I became a father. As our tribe continued to increase through the years, I felt like the most blessed man in the world. I quickly realized that close relationships and random strangers love giving you their thoughts regarding children. Somewhere along the way, I almost felt that to have a conversation about parenting required an exhausted admission that I “sure do have my hands full.” In reality, I do have my hands full – full of blessings.  Regardless of what current culture and other people depict, children are a blessing and not a burden.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward (Ps. 127:3).

Children are priceless gifts from the LORD (Ps. 127:3) and should be treated as such. Scripture teaches that the more children one has, the more blessings one has (Ps. 127:5). Don’t listen to the cultural naysayers who are critical of God’s gifts.

Many couples desire children but struggle with why they can’t become pregnant. While many couples struggle with infertility or suffer from the pain of miscarriage, those hardships cannot stop you from becoming parents. Through the beautiful process of adoption, God can make any couple experience the joy of parenthood. Parenting is so glorious that only God should get the credit for however a child comes into the loving care of a home.  Whether the child comes into the family through birth or adoption, only God can give such a gift as a child, and only He has the unique ability to create a family!

While children are one of God’s greatest gifts, a subtle yet dangerous trap is for parental demands to hinder marital unity. In every stage of parenting, the requirements are significant. The amount of care, attention, affection, time, and resources that the tiniest members of your family require can be stifling. If not careful, a blessing from the marriage will take priority over the marriage.  

After you have experienced the first sleepless night of parenting, your entire world forever changes. Being an intentional parent will cause you to invest significant physical and emotional reserves in your children.  Through all stages of parenting, you can feel like a maid, policeman, chauffeur, counselor, tutor, short-order chef, mentor, and so much more.  

Unfortunately, many married couples divorce once the nest empties of children. So many people anticipate this time as an opportunity to rekindle and reconnect, yet there is frequently nothing left of the marriage to show. After the last child departs home and begins the journey to independence, many couples who appeared to have it all together call it quits all of a sudden.  In reality, these marriages have been on a steady drift for at least eighteen years.

If the child becomes the sole shared experience within a marriage, the marriage will be over as soon as that child leaves home.

When raising children becomes the sole focus of the home, the marriage will suffer. When spouses become nothing more than business partners dedicated to the job of maturing children, the relationship is in trouble. Raising children requires an enormous amount of work, but it can’t be the only shared work in the home. Couples experience this drift all the time. The dad gives the children any remaining time after work. The mom pours all she has into covering the needs and the wants of the children’s lives. Along the way, they lose sight of one another. These two parents circle each other as co-workers who don’t know how to exist once the “clients” are gone.

You must find a balance. You must find room to nurture your children after you have cherished your spouse. While the parent/child relationship is unparalleled in uniqueness, there is only one person you are called to be one with – your spouse.  

I often remind my children, “We were together before you got here, and we are still going to be together once you are gone.” While your relationship as a parent never changes, your role will change. Conversely, your marriage should never have a graduation period. Your relationship with your child should decrease in dependence while your relationship with your spouse should increase in dedication.  

One litmus test to reveal the danger in your home is to ask the question: Did I feel more like a spouse or a parent today? If you feel like the role of parent dwarfed the role of spouse, you need to make some changes quickly. I know your children have needs, and you want to show them your love, but don’t neglect one of the most critical things you can do for them.

One of the most significant ways you can love your child is by prioritizing your spouse.

As you lovingly teach your children that your spouse comes first, you are modeling a healthy marriage for them, maintaining emotional security for them, and maturing your marriage right before their eyes. Never neglect the task of shepherding your children in the ways of the Lord (Prov. 22:6; Eph. 6:4), but never forget that one of the primary ways you can fulfill that is by loving their other parent.  

What God has joined together, let no child separate.