Let No Selfishness Separate

Marriage would be easy if your spouse weren’t involved.  

And he or she probably thinks the same thing about you.  In reality, marriage is straightforward, but when you introduce the human dynamic, things always get challenging quickly.

Marriage is simple in theory but difficult in application.

The theory of marriage is simple: don’t make it about you.  The moment that you make marriage about what you get out of it, you set yourself up for unmet expectations, which can quickly lead to justifying the absence of your efforts to meet your spouse’s needs.  If you could stop being selfish, your marriage would immediately become much simpler.

Selfishness blinds me to the needs of my spouse.  It causes resentment to build up when my expectations are unmet.  I justify what I say and do because my feelings take priority.  I elevate my opinions to the status of truth.  I can get emotional about our decisions when prioritizing my preferences regarding agendas, careers, finances, families, and hobbies.  

What is the secret of marriage?  Stop being selfish.  Do you now see why marriage is theoretically easy but complicated in practice?  You married a sinful person, and so did your spouse.  You married a selfish person, and so did your spouse.  You married a needy person, and so did your spouse.  

After graduating from college, my next few summers were filled with numerous weddings where I was an officiant, groomsman, or attendee.  In some instances, we would have one couple return from their honeymoon to be part of a friend’s bridal party the very next weekend.  As each couple disembarked from their honeymoon and began married adulthood, you never knew what fresh piece of advice you would hear from the friend who had recently married.   

One such occasion, I remembered a friend gathering the unmarried guys to share something he learned on his honeymoon.  While I braced for the unknown, he said, “I never truly realized how selfish I was until I got married.”  Within a few weeks of being a husband, he realized how out of sorts he could get when things didn’t go his way.  He’s not alone.  Somehow, we take something like marriage, which is intended to bring glory to God and to provide love for one’s spouse, and we make it all about what we get out of it. 

The epitome of a godly marriage is when two people decide to put the other’s needs ahead of their own.  Both sets of needs are real.  Since both are needy people, the demands must be addressed, but what would happen if they each prioritized meeting the other’s needs rather than focusing on their own?

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Phil. 2:3-4).

If you could put these verses into application, most of your marital issues would begin to resolve themselves.  Being self-centered is so dangerous because it can impact the marriage emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually.  Selfishness can rear its ugly head in every room of the house and dampen every activity within the relationship.

Every single one of your marital disagreements is because one or both of you are behaving selfishly.  

Test that claim.  I guarantee you cannot discover one issue you have that selfishness does not exacerbate.  When I see my needs as more important than the needs of my spouse, my marriage cannot thrive.  The only way my marriage can improve is if I deliberately renew my mind.  I must show preferential intentionality to my spouse’s needs.  More than just lip service, I must change my thinking and living.  My spouse’s needs must become more significant than my needs in theory and practice.  Only when I prioritize the needs of my spouse over my own can I truly experience a Christ-exalting marriage.

Your marriage has two sets of needs that need to be met every day.  If not handled carefully, both of you will lose out.  But if two needy people decide to make it about the other person each and every morning, by the end of the day, both parties’ needs have been met, no one has been selfish, and they have honored God in their marriage.  I should make my spouse’s needs my utmost concern, all the while eagerly surpassing my interest in my needs.  If my spouse does the same, we have covered all the necessities together.  Selflessness is better than selfishness in marriage.

Naturally, you shouldn’t bend to something unbiblical.  You shouldn’t disobey your God to please your spouse.  We also must beware of unrealistic expectations with which we could burden our marriages.  We each have legitimate limitations.  In reality, both of those scenarios are irregular situations. 

Most of our issues transpire because of unwillingness, not inability.  We are merely trying to get our way.

So, if both of you are needy, expectant, and tired, someone must reprioritize his or her needs to make the marriage work.  In your great neediness, someone has to draw closer.  Who will do it?  Let it be you!  Don’t permit the marital drift to widen because of your selfishness.  

In those moments when you can muster up enough selfless obedience to serve your spouse, you resemble Jesus, who spent his entire life in service to others (Mark 10:45).  He emptied himself to become a servant (Phil. 2:7) to people like me who honestly didn’t deserve his attention and affection.  He gave himself up (Eph. 5:25) for our salvation and as an example of how we should give ourselves up in our marriages (Eph. 5:32).  Don’t wait until your spouse deserves your selflessness to give it away.  Christ didn’t wait for us to become lovely before he chose to love us.  Be like Jesus.  

What God has joined together, let no selfishness separate. 

Marriage falls apart when selfishness takes over. If you want a Christ-centered marriage, stop making it about you and start serving your spouse like Jesus served you—selflessly, sacrificially, and without waiting for another to deserve it.