Most of us don’t like confrontation. It feels awkward, heavy, and risky. But when we avoid it—or when we go about it the wrong way—we usually make things worse, not better.
Jesus gave us a clear roadmap in Matthew 18:15–17. His plan isn’t complicated, but it is countercultural. Instead of whispering behind someone’s back, venting online, or dropping passive-aggressive hints, Jesus calls us to go straight to the person.
- Private: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” Start in private. Speak the truth in love. Don’t post about it. Don’t talk around it. Go directly to the person.
- Partner: “But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you.” If the problem persists, bring along a trusted brother or sister who can help confirm the concern and seek reconciliation. This step isn’t about ganging up—it’s about showing the issue is real.
- Public: “If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church.” The final step is bringing it to a gathering of believers. In that context, “church” meant an assembly, a group of people who could bear the weight together—whether that’s a family, a small group, or a congregation.
Notice what’s missing? The post and the pass.
- Post: Jesus never suggests venting online, but that’s often where we go first. In our digital world, we hide behind devices instead of facing people directly. We type things we’d never have the courage to say in person. We post words that cost us nothing, risk nothing, and earn nothing.
- Pass: We also would rather avoid talking to the person and just talk about the person. Without the individual there to challenge what we say, we find people who share our concerns or are scared to push back, and we unload.
While preaching through Esther, I noticed the same pattern. Haman whispered about people in secret. The king wrote letters that broadcast the problem widely. But Esther brought the right people into the room and said what needed to be said. Her courage addressed the situation by addressing the people involved in the situation.
When we bypass Jesus’ steps, we don’t solve problems—we fuel them. Confrontation can actually be a good thing if done in the right way: humbly, biblically, and face-to-face.
So before you talk about someone, talk to them. Before you post a frustration, have a conversation. And before you let bitterness spread, walk down the road Jesus laid out for us: private, partner, then public.
Because the goal of confrontation isn’t to win—it’s to restore.
If you want to hear more from the sermon, check it out here: Digging a Hole for Yourself.
